Thursday, October 26, 2006


I have never understood the appeal of horror movies. Fear and fright have never seemed enjoyable to me in real life; I can't imagine willingly placing myself under their control for entertainment. A friend once tried to explain to me that horror movies gave one the rush of danger without the negative consequences. Eh. Accordingly, I have never engaged the horror flicks that seem to consume non-ESPN cable tv this time of year.

So Tuesday afternoon, a friend google chatted me from work and said Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers was playing on AMC at 8. I was skeptical. He questioned my manhood. I told him the World Series was on at 8, questioning his manhood. I had seen all the Austin Powers movies anyways. In the end, I decided it was time to buck up and confront old fears. Plus, one has to take advantage of this time of year. As much as I want to keep the Halloween spirit in my heart year-round, I never can seem to do it.

Halloween 4 was bad, but in that "this is so bad I'm enjoying it" kind of way. The dialogue was horrendous, both in its writing and in its delivery. My personal favorite:

Man: "What are we dealing with here?"
Other Man (dramtically): "Evil."

It felt like a high schooler had written and acted the scene. Plus, I have never watched a movie that had so little plot. An hour into it, very little had changed besides the setting (insane asylum to country suburbs) and the body count (1 to 4). No creativity. Just a large, silent, masked villain chasing a little girl for no apparent reason, leaving a couple bodies and two exploded gas pumps in his wake. In fairness to the movie, I had not watched Halloween, Halloween II: The Nightmare Isn't Over!, or Halloween III: Season of the Witch, so maybe I simply missed all the plot development.

Speaking of the villain, Michael Myers, he was my favorite part. The characters claimed he wasn't human which implies some type of super powers. The only powers I saw were:

1) the ability to stick his thumb through a man's forehead
2) the ability to beat the good guys to every location, despite the fact that they left the previous scene before he did and were in a car
3) the ability to juice someone's head with his hand like I would juice a citrus fruit simply by squeezing it

According to my analysis, he's either just really strong or from Star Trek. Not very special. He was hilarious though. Just stalking around, not saying anything, being huge, squeezing people, and eventually falling into a grave (note: they never checked to see if he was dead, the perfectly cheesy and cliched plot hole to allow for Halloween 5: The Return of Michael Myers, Again).

It was a great night. My buddy and I howled and howled. But not with fright as AMC's commercials would've made you think. We howled with sheer delight at the unintentional hilarity of this horror movie.

My first experience with Halloween horror was great. Tonight at 8 on AMC: Hellraiser. I have to work from 4-11pm. Time to call in sick.


Oakley said...

Glad to see you stepping outside the box of SportsTV. I've noticed in recent years that more and more people try to laugh through horror movies. Whats the fun of seeing any horror movie if you won't be scared to fall asleep that night for fear of scary clowns, Freddy, or Tom Cruise comming out of your closet while you sleep??? Lookin forward to some Grey's A analysis on Friday. I finally have another employee here at work to discuss it with on coffee break!

Jeff said...


I say watching Hellraiser is the way to go.

Jenn Pappa said...

soo irritated with the re-runs...