Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Gankage Update

Yesterday, my neighbor reported to me that the police apprehended one of the fellas involved with last month's apartment-wide gankage-spree. This particular neighbor was the one who had his entire car boosted, whereas the rest of us merely lost a stereo, a window, and/or an air conditioning unit. Criminals love cool air.

I expressed my excitement for him that he would receive his car back. I have a soft spot in my heart for '93 Honda Accords, having owned one myself in a previous life. He said little of the car was left; the hood and the trunk, among other parts, no longer remained. Still, insurance would replace most of the car, and he would have it back in no time.

This made sense. The fellas stole his car, stripped it for parts which provided more value and less risk than selling the actual car, and dumped the remains in the river, if Charlotte had a river. Without a natural body of water, they probably left it in a field or on the side of the highway or at a Charlotte Bobcats game. No one would ever find it there.

I confess my surprise to you, dear reader, at these unravelings. Once robbers remain loose for a day or two following the boostings, the police usually have a hard time making an arrest. The bad guys return to their gangsta's paradise and live to steal another day. The case, on the other hand, goes into the molding "Open but Inactive" pile at the police station which basically means "Little Hope of an Arrest But We Can't Tell the Victims We're Giving Up so We'll Call It 'Open but Inactive'."

Curious, I asked my neighbor, "So how did they find your car after a month?"

His eyes grew a tad bigger and an incredulous smile spread over his face. He laughed, then started talking.

Apparently, one of the gankstas did not dump my neighbor's car on the side of the road, in a field, or in the river. Instead, the thief performed normal vehicular maneuvers with it. You know, like drive it around town, fill it up with gas, wreck somebody else. Normal car stuff.

Well, this last action caused our hero some trouble, given that the car had been reported stolen.

Now, dear reader, time for a little role play. If you were a grand thief auto and you wrecked a car you had stolen, would you:

a) drive away
b) run
c) linger

Our friend chose c). He hung around the scene until the cops showed up. Bad move #1.

Back to the role play. If you were a ganksta and the police had just shown up at an accident scene involving you and a stolen car, would you:

a) offer one of your undoubtedly plenteous fake id's
b) keep running, since you smartly left the scene at initial contact
c) give the police your driver's license

Once again, our friend chose c). He must really like that letter, even though in this two question quiz, he grades out at an F.

I kid you not, loved ones. This fella stole a car from a Ballantyne apartment complex one month ago, sold some of its parts, drove it around, wrecked it, waited for the police to show up, watched as they ran a car report on the vehicle, and then gave them accurate identification of himself. That's right, after showing them the stolen car, he gave them his driver's license. Bad move #2.

Now, I do not share this with you to ridicule this young man because he is a bad criminal ("Ha Ha, you suck at crime!"). Being good at crime does not make you cool so being bad at crime, in some sense, makes you at least cooler since it aids in the maintenance of society. Thanks for being bad at crime, my good friend.

I share this with you so that we can laugh at stupidity because, let's face it, stupidity is funny. In our age of tolerance, I will not call this fella stupid. That would cast judgment on his lifestyle and restrict the criminal diversity which he desired to bring into our law-abiding melting pot. His actions, however, were colossally stupid and worthy of a hearty chuckle.

The police arrested our friend on the spot and took him to jail. Bad move #3. In fact, for our hero, the worst move of all.

Ganksta's paradise lost.


Anonymous said...

Hey Ben, did you ever get Ethan Elvins letter sent to your parents address??

Alex said...

a classically excellent post from ben humphries. been a while since i've checked in, good to hear your voice in this post...

Ashleigh said...

That's beautiful.

Ashleigh said...

That's beautiful.

Ben said...

Anonymous, I did receive Ethan's letter. It has been in my planner to write back for over a month now; I have been most tardy in getting to my correspondance recently, for which I apologize. Ah, life. . . .

I will try to get on a letter here as soon as possible.

Rockbrdige Crew, it's good to see y'all back! I have heard a slew of good things from the week and hope y'all got to experience them.

P.S. Alex, shouldn't you still be asleep?